If You Give A Girl A Paper…

(all due respect to Laura Joffe Numeroff)

If you give a girl too many papers to write,


she's going to want something else to do instead.

So you'll find her a camera.

She'll take lots of silly pictures of herself in the mirror.


Then she'll want some props.
So you'll find her grandmother's vintage sunglasses.

Seeing them will remind her of her mother,

whom she hasn't talked to in several days. But her phone's battery is dead.
So she'll ask to use yours.
Then she'll use up all your battery talking to her mother.


Talking to her mother will remind her that she hasn't updated her Goodreads "currently-reading" list in a while.

So she'll have to use your computer to update it.
Seeing her list of currently-reading books will remind her of school.

That will make her remember that she has too many papers to write.

And chances are,
if you give a girl too many papers to write,
she's going to want something else
to do
instead.

You Are a Doris!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz ...

You are a Doris -- "I must help others."

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
• * Share fun times with me.
• * Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
• * Let me know that I am important and special to you.
• * Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

• * Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
• * Reassure me often that you love me.
• * Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

• * being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
• * knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
• * being generous, caring, and warm
• * being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
• * being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Doris

• * not being able to say no
• * having low self-esteem
• * feeling drained from overdoing for others
• * not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
• * criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
• * being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
• * working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Dorises as Children Often

• * are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
• * try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
• * are outwardly compliant
• * are popular or try to be popular with other children
• * act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
• * are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)

Dorises as Parents

• * are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
• * are often playful with their children
• * wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
• * can become fiercely protective

Haiku

Spider eyes brush cheek
Leaving mascara footprints
Baby monarch's kiss

Memento Rosie: A Dedication in 3 Parts to Rose (formerly known as Nightmare). Part III.

Though Rose learned the difference between herself and the literary matter I wanted to put in her Favorite Hiding Spot, she managed to so terrorize Ilaya, our sweet wolf-hybrid puppy, that the poor baby got herself an identity crisis. Rose was an absolute bully toward Ilaya, and Ilaya wanted so badly to be loved by everyone in the house (she got her nose bitten by Rasta in the process, and Pimenta didn't really care, so that was better than being hated), that she tried to be a cat. Again, the proof is in the photo black hole that is the closet behind Thaïs's chair at the dinner table, but I swear to God, that puppy had inch-wide sores on the sides of her ankles for months before the calluses kicked in, from lying with her paws wrapped around her front just like Rose and Pimenta did. She had to fit in some way, as far as Rose was concerned.

My mom eventually tamed Rose, and I have absolutely no idea how she did it... I just remember her saying, "Come pet Rose!" and me shrinking away, saying, "She's gonna bite meeeee…" and my mom going, "No, no, just be gentle and she won't!" And then me getting bitten. So yeah, I wasn't real on-board with the whole lets-be-patient-with-Rose program.

But somehow, between the bitings, and the scratchings, and the siblings, and the movings, there came a point where we didn't have to worry if Rose was in the same room as baby Thaïs or toddling Tycho. She learned that we were safe for her, even if we did have a tendency to bring new irritations into the house specifically to annoy her - like Ilayas, and Thaïses, and Kisinkas, and Tychos, and guests, amongst other things. She kept herself to herself; guests who came over a second time would comment in astonishment, "I didn't know you had two cats!". Though she appreciated petting when it was given (but only where she liked being petted, and only for exactly as long as she wanted to be petted, these things being part of an arcana known only by my mother), in the past few years I was astonished on occasional mornings to find Rose on my bed, or trying to knock me over in an attempt to get me to pet her.

She had the loudest purr I've ever heard, an outrageous buzz that sounded more like a growl than a purr - there were several times that I recall hearing that noise while petting her and yanking my hand away for fear of Vampire Kitty showing up, and my mother saying soothingly, "It's okay, she's only purring." Her coat was a beautiful black velvet, and she was black through and through (even the roof of her mouth!), but her eyes were lime green and her teeth sharp and pointy. Her favorite pastimes were: getting fur on my mother's pillow, staring, prowling, finding places to hang out that best suited her obvious vocation of jungle cat, and kicking Kisinka's ass.

She died last night in a little nest my dad made for her in his and my mom's bed. She was 18 years old. Kisinka won't miss her, but the rest of us will.

Memento Rosie: A Dedication in 3 Parts to Rose (formerly known as Nightmare). Part II.

Rose heard a lot of "poor thing" during those first ten years or so. For one thing, it took us (read: my parents) forever to get around to getting her fixed. We lived in an apartment, she was a firmly and no-exceptions-ever indoor cat, and there was really no anti-more-kittens reason to have her fixed. Exceeeeeept.... yeah. She was really loud. And the best part was, in spite of her ______ (insert mixed, confused cat emotion here that probably doesn't involve hatred and thoughts of murder, though it certainly looked like it) towards me, Rose would choose to sing her mournful I-wanna-make-kittens-witchuuuuuu love songs to her nonexistent suitors RIGHT. IN. FRONT. OF. MY. DOOR.

Growing up, for some reason I didn't have a doorknob on the door to my bedroom, so we put a loop of string over the corner to pull it open. Given that there was no doorknob, it would logically follow that there was no latch. Follow that logical conclusion to its end, and you find that when Rose was feeling particularly mournful at her lack of ahem-ahem, she would butt her head against my door hard enough to open it - and then continue her arias in my room. I'm not sure why she had this need to be in my room - possibly she suspected me of hiding eligible tomcats in there, which would explain her general mistrust towards me as not only a human, but a human who under the guise of being her mother was keeping Poor Rose from getting any action.
I don't remember how my parents explained what the hell Poor Rose's problem was, but I remember feeling very very sorry for her. She was so lonely! And she wanted to have kittens! Why shouldn't she have kittens? And so I'd start crying too - partly out of pity for Rose, but really more out of pity for myself, because I wanted to sleeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!!!!!!!

Eventually, she did get fixed. Thank goodness. And no, my parents did not learn their lesson, because it took about 4 rounds of sexy purring and mewling on my darling Kisinka's part (I think she was influenced by Beyoncé, while Rose really got her start in 80's power ballads) for them to do something about it once she entered adolescence and started pining for those handsome beefcake Somerville toms.

When I was 7, my infinitely creative mother and I came up with the idea of having a family newspaper. Like all of our exciting long-term projects (see: Pickwick Portfolio, Marco Polo year, etc.), it lasted until the first stage was over, and then we realized just how much damned work it would be to keep it up. But I wrote a story about saving endangered tigers, and about a guy who made people build him a statue, and I did all the illustrations. My mother wrote an article about the "famous Isis Red Cloud, karate expert", did an interview with me, did all the work to put the newspaper together, and most relevantly, wrote the now-famous article "Cat Mistakes Itself for a Book!". At the ripe old age of 7, I had chosen to "put away childish things" and remove Goodnight Moon, among others, from my very tall bookshelf. That process resulted in there being one cubby on the bottom shelf that stood empty. Rose had not lost sight of her ultimate goal in life, and realized that the success of the Ruin-Isis's-Life program could hinge on her carpe-ing the hell out of this diem. This was now The Best Spot In The House to live in. (Unfortunately, I don't have the picture. It's in the closet at my parents' house, somewhere in the dawn of time before digital photography was invented. But if you look at this, you might get an idea of how amazing this was. Only turn it all upside down, because Rose did not have a predilection for heights. And then turn it on its head, because Rose was infinitely cooler in her insanity than that cat.)

My mother was studying social work at Simmons College at the time, and this article was heavily influenced by her studies. As I live and breathe, she psychoanalyzed Rose's choice of havens, referencing Oliver Sacks' classic The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and suggesting that Miss Nightmare was having an identity crisis, confusing herself with the book There's a Nightmare in My Closet by Mercer Mayer. Being the incredibly amazing mother she is (I mean, come on, did your mom use a creative writing project designed for you as a study session in psychoanalysis for her? I didn't think so), she also advocated treatment options such as placing There's a Nightmare in My Closet next to Rose on the shelf "so that Rose can gradually distinguish between herself and the book" (Traumann 4).

References
Traumann, Elisabeth, and Isis Traumann-Davis. "Cat Mistakes Itself for a Book!" The T-D Globe 1994: 4.

(Yes, I did do a perfect MLA reference for a family newspaper with one issue. You wanna make something of it?).

To be further continued.

Memento Rosie: A Dedication in 3 Parts to Rose (formerly known as Nightmare). Part I.

I started this post talking about my fourth birthday, and how it must have been a big deal because I got a kitten and my ears pierced, but now that I think about it, I think I got the pierced ears when I was 5. Because I know for sure that I got Rose when I was 4.

I had just read Steven Kellogg's (hilarious, to the 4-year-old eye) book A Rose for Pinkerton, where the unruly Great Dane gets a new friend in the form of a teeny tiny kitten, who decides she wants to be a Great Dane too, while Pinkerton thinks he's a kitten! Well, gosh, you guys, I mean, aren't all kittens adorable and sweet and silly and think they want to be dogs? I decided my kitten's name was going to be Rose, JUST LIKE Pinkerton, oh my goodness!, and we went off to the MSPCA to get my brand-new birthday kittykitty.

She was an itty-bitty, teeny-weeny little ball of black fuzz from the MSPCA. Absolutely ridiculous. I don't remember much about the visit to the Society except that I got a pamphlet from the lady. Which I may have made up. So anyway, we got home, and, well, my adorable little supposed-to-be-like-Pinkerton's-Rose Rose made it very clear that this itsy-bitsy, teensy-weensy wee black little lint ball was full of absolute evil.

Her first decision as commander-in-chief of the Ruin-Isis's-Life program those first weeks (possibly months) was that the Best Hiding Spot In The Whole House (because after all, when you're a tiny, scared-shitless little lint ball with no mommy but a 4-year-old... aren't you feeling the need for a hiding spot yourself?) was under the shelf that stood along the wall perpendicular to the doorway to my room. I mean, if you're approximately the size and color of a dust-bunny under a shelf anyway, that's probably your best bet for camouflage. The camouflage, of course, being being necessary due to Miss Rose's institution of guerilla warfare against my person. Every single time I left my room, I was guaranteed to have a tiny paw reach out and swipe at my legs with with nasty, sharp, pointy claws. This led to my eventual habit of swerving out of my room at top speeds, generally ending in a) running into someone and getting yelled at for it, b) running into something (coatstand, I think, usually) and getting yelled at for it, or c) getting yelled at for running.

As you can imagine, I came to have a bit of a distaste for my birthday present. My mother and I called her "Rose Nightmare" and "Rosie Posie Pudding and Pie, scratched the girls and made them cry" (due to her unfortunate lack of distinction between small female calves entering or exiting my room, or rather, passing in either direction by her Secret Hiding Spot).

I think I was 6 when I came up with a theory exonerating Rose of any blame for her misbehavior: "Maybe," I said to my mother one day in the car, "maybe Rose was really really little? Like just born? And then maybe her mother was outside with all her kitten babies? And then she went to get them some food? And then she got hit by a truck? And then all the babies didn't have a mama anymore? And so they were really scared? And then the people came to get them from the MSPCA? And they weren't very nice to them? So maybe Rose is mad at people because they made trucks? And maybe she's scared we'll be mean to her too? And maybe she misses her mamãe? And it's not our fault but she doesn't know that, so maybe that's why she's mean to me?" I think I remember crying at this point, because the thought of being without a mama, even for an evil little kitten like Rosie Posie, was just too awful to be endured.
I still firmly believe in this exculpatory theory of mine. It allowed me to not completely hate Rose, but rather to feel compassion for her - she was awfully little when we got her, probably a day over the minimum age you could bring a baby like her home, and her life story probably did sound a lot like that. Poor thing.

To be continued.

Traditional Country

Even if your backyard isn't acres of farmland and you don't actually have a chicken coop, your house sure brings you back to a time when that was the case. You love spaces that feel casual and lived in. Furniture is practical and comfortable, and yet at the same time its very stylish. The best part of country style is how much it highlights collection and found objects. Antiques here, garage sale finds there and Aunt Milly's hand-me-downs throughout. Unique items that used to serve very practical purposes are now on display, and their history seems to permeate the home. Each space in the home seems to invite friends and family to come in and stay a while. There is a true sense of home felt throughout.

More >

Materials

When it comes to materials in Traditional Country homes, think rustic, warm and comfortable. Wood or natural tile floors, natural or painted wood tables and chairs, and natural materials on the soft furnishings. Stripes, plaids and florals are popular and often all are mixed in one room. Soft vintage leather and suede are common and wrought and rusty iron also reinforce the rustic nature of the rooms. Large wood pieces of furniture are very common, and help manage storage throughout the home. Wallpaper is very popular and most often highlights floral patterns. For traditional country, the concept of minimalism is avoided at all cost. It's the collections that give the space character and reinforce the lived-in nature of the spaces.

Colors

For color, spaces can go either bright and airy or soft and muted. Think of the countryside in spring and summer with yellows, bright greens and blues. Or you can go for more of a fall country day, and go a bit darker but still stay in the earth tones. Dark browns, reds and greens. Either direction you go in, be it light or dark, the key is warmth. Traditional country rooms rarely, if ever, feel cold.

Wine Country Style

Tuscan sun, here we come! The Wine Country Style reflects the feelings evoked by the seaside regions of Europe such as the South of France, Spain, Italy and Greece. The style manages to be both refined and casual, such that you can mix beautiful antiques with more rustic wrought iron or wood and the result is both sophisticated and cozy. Furniture is large and comfortable, colors are bright and cheery, and regardless of the color palette the spaces almost always feel warm. You can easily translate the style into the perfect family environment but you can just as easily emphasize the more formal pieces and make your room the perfect adult getaway.

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Materials

To those with a Wine Country sense of style, texture is very important because of how it imitates the surrounding landscape. Walls are often made of plaster or stucco, or faux finishes that emulate these textures. Rough-hewn or wrought iron is very common in tables, chairs, lamps and accessories. Natural pine is also common, although darker stained woods are more popular. The wood pieces (chairs, tables, armoires) are large in scale and each piece has a good sense of presence in the room. Mosaic tiles are very popular for flooring as well as accents on tabletops and other furniture.

Colors

When it comes to color, Wine Country Style literally attempts to mimic the landscape of the regions. Earthy tones such as yellow, orange and red highlight the golden hillsides and beautiful sunsets. Blues, lavenders and greens mimic the fields and countryside in springtime. Focusing on the blues and whites imitates the seaside and white sandy beaches.

Quests and Adventures in Online Shopping

Okay, so I want to know how many other people in the world have had this problem. Have you ever had a very exact idea of something that you want/need, and just no matter how hard you look, and how many hours of your life you waste (in others' eyes) in search of this, you just can't find it?

That is the synopsis of my Quest for the Perfect Bag.

Here is the problem: I have so many requirements for this bag, it's probably impossible for me to find it without commissioning some artisan in Nova Scotia to make it for me.

1. It must be big enough to carry hold elegantly and comfortably anywhere from one to four books, + WKP, + a sweater or scarf, + hat and mittens, + a notebook, + Lucy the MacBook if I feel that her company is necessary, + a cosmetic bag, + a Tupperware or coffee mug, + candy to sneak into the movie theater for me and all my friends, + also things for nannybaby, like food, spare clothes, + losable items like socks and toys and mittens and hats… but not look weird and schlumpy if I love the bag so much I want to carry it when I only need my mantra of WKP (wallet, keys, phone). Or, for that matter, weird and schlumpy if I have all of these things packed into it.
2. It must be within my financial range: less than $100, preferably less than $60. Really preferably, less than $50.
3. It must look classic enough in its general shape and style that it will last outside of whatever the current trend is, but not vintage-y enough that it looks dowdy or worse, costumey.
   - for example, I love what is sometimes called the "crossbody" trend, but I don't like messenger bags.
   - for example, I love Longchamps totes for their size, but they do not satisfy requirement #2. or #1, actually, due to shoulder aches. they may not even stand up to #4 (see below). but really the most important is #2. No, I am not a miser, I just like to eat.
4. It must stand up to absolutely horrendous weather and not let that weather get inside, kind of like Aegeus and the 4 winds... only the other way around and not, like, life-threateningly dangerous. So maybe not at all like Aegeus. Maybe I should stop quoting the classics in relation to what one might consider "trivial" topics like purse shopping.
5. It must, if not *be* unique, look unique enough that I have a very good chance of never seeing another person carrying it. I have one bag like this. I got it in London and it is falling apart, literally, because every 3 times I take it out of the house, I get compliments on it.
6. It must have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of pockets. Otherwise, I have a weird, schlumpy-looking bag that I have to scrounge through to find big things (like my brain). Also, I enjoy being organized - in theory. In practice I am organized for about 10 minutes out of every month, though I probably spend about 8 hours out of every month preparing to be organized. There's something clearly not quite balanced about that... not sure what it is...
7. It must have a decent strap-drop. None of this "oh yes, I am going to waltz all over the city without a car carrying a bag weighing approximately four tons by the handles that are 8 inches long" business. I wear about 8 layers (legit) during the winter, so the straps have to fit comfortably over my shoulder without a great deal of contortionism and manœvering of elbows and forearms through them.
8. Speaking of straps, I would prefer not to need a $65 massage when I get home because of the teenytiny straps digging into my trapezoidal muscle. I.E., nice wideish straps.
   
9. It must have an actual bottom panel, so that things stay where I put them.
10. It must be of a color and pattern neutral enough to look nice with anything I wear, but still have a pop or zing to it so as not to be boring. (Boring = BAD)
11. I like (it mustn't necessarily) having the option of either a shoulder bag or a "crossbody bag". So 3 straps are nice. And if the long one is detachable, so much the better.
12. It must be made durable enough that I will be able to use it in graduate school (¡¡¡¡omg senior year omg!!!!)

Ummm I think that's it.... well, I've been hunting for this Platonian Idea of a bag for months now - clipping to Kaboodle, checking my favorite Schaufensterbummel sites, stalking TJ Maxx and Targé, and so on and on and on and on.

Then, thanks to the lovely Sally over at Already Pretty, I discovered Etsy, an amazing community of artisans (remember I mentioned artisans in Minnesota or Saskatchewan or somewhere?) selling their handmade (does requirement #5 ring a bell here?) wares.... and suddenly, this evening, as I was leafing through the 2000+ pages of large tote bags, some with 3 straps, some two, many durable, hundreds under $50, all utterly, captivatingly gorgeous, I suddenly thought that maybe, just maybe, my quest isn't a hopeless one after all. Maybe I have a better chance of finding this perfect, affordable, durable, beautiful, comfortable, practical bag than (ahem) Frodo did of successfully dropping the Ring into Mount Doom.....

I will leave you with that thought.

Love and kisses

Technically my first post…

so these came out backwards timewise, but the last one is a Pomeranian puppy, then there's Thaïs with the puppy who wanted cuddles with her, then the puppy that wanted me to cuddle it, and from then on I think you figure out the rest :)

OMFG ****NEEDS PUPPIES****